Binding You to Me
by Villis
Summary: Duo learns something of trust and Heero learns home can't be another person. Deals with matters of rape and comfort. Revised.


The shackles lay in a tangled, discarded heap against the far wall, fresh blood dappling the dull gray metal in a random, arresting pattern that was highlighted by the startling white of fallen plaster. The ragged ends of the broken links glinted in the harsh glare of the overhead light, transforming the morbid display into something very nearly beautiful. There was memory there, in the cunning curve of chains and the brilliance of new blood, in the implication of past violence. Memory Duo had thought past and gone, buried if not entirely forgotten. He shifted in his seat and looked away with effort, shaking away the ghost of oxygen deprivation and shock that made his chest tight and pressed the air from his lungs. Getting lost in the past was a luxury he didn't dare allow himself, not today. If he couldn't breath now it had nothing to do with these cuffs, these chains, only his own sin and the knowledge of it.

A shudder crept over pale skin as he remembered the sound the first chain had made when it snapped, somewhere between the retort of a pistol and the twinge of breaking bone yet infinitely more savage than either. It echoed in his mind, driving away what rational thought remained beneath the horror of the night's disaster. He'd never known betrayal could be encompassed by a noise, by a single frozen note that shook the soul.

The hiss of the shower in the adjoining room cut off abruptly and the sudden silence made Duo jump, hands fisting in his lap in empty reflex. Now it was not sound that hurt him but the lack of it, the warning that the time for confrontation was approaching. He knew what was coming and it took real physical effort not to leap to his feet and run, simply bolt for the open window that taunted him with a view of silver moonlight and dancing autumn leaves. He wanted to run…but Heero had bid him sit with a single word and impatient wave and sit he would. It was a penance that tore at his instincts and made the eager muscles of his thighs twitch and jerk beneath goose pimpled flesh but it was the very least of what he owed. He would not break the small measure of trust he had been granted.

The door behind him swung open hard enough to bounce back against the wall, no doubt adding new dents. Duo tensed at the wet slap of feet on hardwood as Heero moved past him and to the oaken four post bed that took up the greater part of the small room. Duo kept his eyes focused resolutely ahead, not wanting to see the marks, the skin rubbed raw at wrists and ankles, scrapped away by panic and desperation. His small gesture of defiance was ripped away without ceremony as Heero took a seat at the edge of the mattress only a few inches in front of Duo, leaning forward to rest elbows on knees and matching him waiting silence. The moment their eyes met had the painful intensity of sex or death and Duo moaned thickly in the back of his throat, the words he hadn't yet meant to utter pouring forth. He wanted to let Heero speak first, purge honestly the poisons in his system before clouding the matter with the inevitable flow of justifications. His mouth seemed to have an entirely different idea, vomiting out excuses in a rapid stream that rose quickly in both fear and volume.

"I didn't…I only wanted…I just wanted you to see! Please don't be upset, don't be hurt, I was just trying…I never meant…"

The rich blue eyes staring into his own reflected only a deep weariness, void of compassion or mercy and Duo stuttered to a stop, gazing on his lower lip until the copper taste of blood flooded his mouth with its heavy, vaguely pleasant flavor. He ducked his head, signaling his submission, his will to be silent and listen, to accept judgment. Heero did not let the offering pass.

"You tied me to a bed!" The familiar voice was stripped of its usual hard dignity and power, reduced to an almost pouting, whining child's tone. "You tied me to a bed and raped me! Do you understand that?"

A frantic high noise that barely sounded human wheezed from Duo's chest and he lurched forward, grasping for tanned hands that lay open and unresponsive in his grasp. His braid bounced heavily against his back and he shook his head in denial of the terrible accusation, refusing it with pleading vehemence. "No, no, I just wanted to show you…I thought…you liked it, I know you did!"

The evidence was gone now, washed away by water Duo felt sure had been blazing hot and stinging hard, but he knew his words were truth. For a few precious moments the plan had moved perfectly, every tiny detail just as he'd dreamed, and Heero had strained against him not in struggle but in passion, gasps falling from eager, parted lips. It wasn't until after their mutual pleasure had crested and broken that Heero's eyes had widened and his sudden fight done the impossible and torn asunder links of pure gundamian. But Heero HAD liked it, had begged for it wordlessly but eloquently with fumbling hands and legs that had wound Duo's wait and he couldn't allow that small fact to be ignored. He'd gone about things wrong, terribly wrong, he knew that…but rape?

But now the cold hands were moving, lifting way from his own as Heero rose on unsteady legs and stood blazing with life and angry energy. "Of course I did! I'd never done anything like that before. Not anything close. But I said no. Don't you understand that, you bastard? I said no!"

Miserably Duo nodded, head bowed. Yes, he understood. He'd never had a problem understanding such basic laws. But Heero's body had spoken louder than Heero's words, had screamed for touch and pleasure. He knew that no meant no…his mistake had been falling into the belief that his partner didn't, that Heero's inexperience was the same as ignorance. And even now his alien body couldn't help but respond to the sight before him, thrilling at the sight of a glorious, raging Heero. Even the stumbling rhythm of his next words was a bitter balm, enthralling for the hint of vulnerability the stutter revealed. This was all Duo had wanted, after, this raw, unbridled emotion.  
  
"I wanted…it was just another order, Duo. I'm tried of taking orders. You said I needed to lose control but I never had enough to begin with. I just…I just wanted someone to wait for me. I thought you could see I was trying."

"I've waited five fucking years!" Duo was on his feet without remembering leaving his chair, pacing and forth with quick, sharp strides that never carried him more than three steps to either side. "Five years of watching you fall more into yourself every day, hiding in that damn room like you wanted to rot there. You left me alone in every way that counted, Heero! Am I supposed to wait forever?"

His excuses said and done, Duo fell instead to panting, thin chest heaving after the exertion of shouting so loudly and harshly. With the perfect view of hindsight now upon him, he knew full well that excuses were all the angry words truly were. He'd sought trust or so he'd told himself, as if such a gift could be merely taken instead of offered. No, his reasons had never been so noble as earning faith or showing Heero anything but pain. Fear had driven him, fear and desperation. He'd felt the distance stretching out between them as the months went by, the gap yawning into a chasm that he'd despaired of ever bridging. He'd never been able to stand being alone, left inside the screaming black of his own head. None of them had come through the war unscarred and untouched and all he could claim was the ability to hide his wounds better than most. But alone the fear would come, the screaming, and now the darkness inside of him had slammed forward to engulf Heero as well.  
  
"You're right," the other man said, breaking the raging swirl of Duo's thoughts and making him start in shock. Even he knew his defensive ranting wasn't right! But Heero's tone was soft and serious, broken in a gentle way that was hard to describe. "You can't be expected to wait forever. I never meant to ask you to. Maybe I'll never be ready on my own but I think that's the only way it can count. It has to be real." And now his tone was softer still and Duo had to stain to hear the next whispered question. "Do you understand?"

Eagerly Duo nodded, grasping hard at the absolution he could sense just out of reach. "I know that now. We'll go as slow as you need, whatever you need! I swear. I'm so, so sorry…"

But his Heero had faded to the solider he had once been, fading before his eyes to a hardened shell of training and duty. The flat gaze was pitiless and deep as the ocean, mocking in its blank tranquility. "No. This is a lie and I know you hate lying. I can't be what you need. I see that now. It's over."

Hours later and alone, shaking with a chill that would not fade, the beauty of the fractured shackles brought tears to the eyes of the boy that didn't cry.


End file.
